Reality Television/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW As many of you know, nothing pleases me more than to take existing technology and use it in an entirely new application. You know, to a lot of men, this is the highest form of creativity. And it's probably the reason we never read instructions. This here's a window blind, eh. When you pull this down you cover the window, and she locks! And then when you give her a little tug, up she goes. See, there's a spring in there that makes this unit into a machine, and I'm thinkin' just using something like that to cover a window is a waste of machinery. Isn't it a lot smarter to use a blind as an automatic table clearer? See what I've done here? I've actually attached a blind to these two hockey sticks. And then I pulled her down to the end of the table and locked her before we had the picnic. This goalie stick here is to stop the garbage in its tracks and then drop her into the can. No deflections, no rebounds. Then all I have to do is pull on the end of the blind... He shoots... He scores. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] you've done this before. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Actually, buster hadfield had an accident. He slipped and fell onto the conveyor belt down at the soft drink factory. The machinery hosed him down with tonic water, stuffed bottles onto his toes, and capped all his teeth. What are you doing here? [ cheers and applause ] I'm just observing. Carry on. Just observing, carry on, just observing, carry on. I was just telling them about buster having the accident at work and so on. Oh yeah! So, anyways, we took him over to the hospital, and when we told the nurses what had happened, they all started laughing. They got on the intercom, they paged dr. Pepper. [ laughter ] that didn't happen. Pardon me? That didn't happen. You're making that up. Well... I'm embellishing, harold. Buster had an accident at work and I'm just kinda fleshing it out for the show. Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, oh. People don't like that anymore. What? They don't. You know what the latest fad is? Know what the latest fad is? Know what the latest fad is? Justifiable homicide? No. Reality television. No made-up stories, no exaggerations, just the raw truth, baby. You can't handle the raw truth, baby. It's true, everybody's -- no... Red... Yeah? Harold tells me that you've been saying ann marie and I have a shaky marriage. What?! This is good. It's good. You have been saying that ann marie and I have a shaky marriage. No, I haven't. Well, then, who's been saying it? Because somebody's been sayin' it! You say it all the time! [ laughter ] what are you doing, harold? The ratings are gonna go through the roof. You'll be right behind them. [ ♪ ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for a free session at possum lake's only oxygen bar, "to air is human." you and a friend are invited for a full hour of heavy breathing. Okay, cover your ears, there, dalton. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word... All right, winston. And... Go! Okay, uh, dalton, um, blonde people have this kind of hair. Bleached. No, no... If somebody is reasonable, rational, open-minded, you would say that they are... Not married to me. [ laughter ] okay, okay, okay... All right, if something is not so good, not too bad, just kinda tolerable, you would call that... Life? Okay, okay, no. Okay, no, you know, if something is good, like in the weather, okay, the word for that is... W-w-w-wait a second. You're saying one word means both good and not good? Yeah, actually, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you know, I don't use words with two different meanings. I leave that to my wife. You guys are almost outta time. Yeah, um... Well, let's go another way. This is a word that means, like, trade exhibition or a carnival... Have you been listening to the clues, red?! I mean, come on! Blonde, reasonable, good, not good, now carnival? I mean, come on, if one word means all that it's not fair! Yes, it is! [ ♪ ] [ ♪ ] you know what I've been thinking about? Never. Life after death. I've been thinking a lot about it. Sounds like his trial got moved to texas. Oh, come on. Don't you ever think about it? Not me. But if we're gonna focus on the things I don't think about... We're in for a long day. Well, I think about life after death, every time ann marie and I have an argument. Well, I don't think about it that often. It's just that I can't believe that this is all there is. What is? Well, this. This pond, this day, this boat. It can't be all there is. You're not gonna steal a bigger boat, are ya, mike? No, that's my point! We don't need our rewards in this life. Well, I do! Well, I don't. Well, good, then I'll have yours too. You see, that's what the afterlife is for. I think it's a place where there are friendly people who know your name and think positive thoughts and have sing songs. Wow, hope I never die. You know, mike, it seems odd that a known felon would be thinking about this kinda stuff. I would think you'd be more concerned with life after theft. Now, you see, that is hurtful, mr. Green. The afterlife will not be judgmental. Not the way I envision it. Non-judgmental? Nope. Judgment day won't be judgmental? He's twisting my words. I'm okay with it. You know, mike, maybe reincarnation's the answer. Maybe we'll all come back. Maybe we've already been here before. Well, now, that's an interesting concept! You'd make an excellent cell-mate, mr. Green. Well, thanks. Well, I still believe in life after death. That's fine. I'm hopin' for life after birth. [ laughter and applause ] my grandfather had one of these babies. It's called a push mower. He used to cut the grass every Saturday. He'd usually wait 'til the afternoon when his head had stopped pounding and his vision cleared up a bit. Men can be very competitive about their lawns. And I'm sure you wouldn't mind having the nicest lawn on the street, but if you're a handyman like me, you don't want a push mower, you wanna push less. [ laughter ] so to do that, we're gonna need a few things. First of all, three or four of these units, because mower is not less; mower is definitely more. And along with that you need a couple of salt shakers, a toy gun, some liquid fertilizer some grass seed, some wildflower seed, a little bit of weed killer, and of course a few hockey sticks. And naturally, you're gonna need a k-car, which these days are pretty much restricted to yard work anyway. Okay, that takes care of the grass cutting, but we haven't begun to scratch the surface in terms of what we can do to this lawn. You know what's real good? Aerating. 'course, the secret here is not to let the screw too far into the -- sorry, I got distracted there. But it's okay, because I always have a can of this tire sealant right nearby. Perfect. [ laughter ] oh, and I made a few other alterations that I feel awful good about. Filled the trunk with grass seed, that'll just drop naturally through the trunk floor through what I call, the miracle of rust. Here's a nice touch. Know everybody likes wildflowers kinda spread randomly through the yard? So I filled these salt shakers with wildflower seeds. Safest way I know to sow your wild oats. Okay, here's a fun thing now. I filled the windshield washer reservoir with weed killer, and I ran the hose up through this toy gun, see? So now when I'm driving along cutting the lawn, and I see a weed like that dandelion over there, I just aim the gun, line her up with my antenna control, and then hit the windshield washer button. The only tricky part was trying to figure out how to spread the fertilizer. Something I don't usually have a problem with. And then I'm thinking, hey, wait a second. You know, they make gasoline so good now that you can afford to dilute it a little bit. So I figured, heck, you know, I'll just fire this right in here and let the engine do the work. I even added a nozzle to my tailpipe to give me a little more coverage. The fertilizer won't burn, and the gas just becomes a propellant. Kinda like what kidney beans do for chili. [ laughter ] so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. All the while listening to my favourite song... "the green, green grass of home." [ engine struggles to turn over ] [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause ] [ ♪ ] I wanna talk about cellular phones for a minute. You know, in the old days, you see a guy walking down the street yabbering away into thin air, you would never think of the word "phone," just the word "cell." now we got all these nuts driving around talking on the phone, only one hand on the wheel. Oh, sure, I know, in a fit of road rage, you'd often take one hand off the wheel to communicate with another driver, but that was a totally different kind of digital signal. And you know, these cell phones, they don't even ring, they play little tunes or jingles or something. And they always go off at the wrong time, like at church. I mean, it's not even your phone, but everybody turns around to see where the sound's coming from, and there you are, sitting there sound asleep. See, now, to me, a cell phone is just a leash, and if you don't come when you're called, you're not gonna be top dog for long. Whenever I see a person on a cell phone, they're always talkin' to somebody, but they're walkin' around the room, trying to get a clear signal. If you want a clear signal, go over to the person's house for cryin' out loud. Cell phones are great for emergencies or something, but if you're using it to communicate with your friends or loved ones, you're gonna eventually be disconnected. And that'll ruin your entire weekend, no matter how many free minutes you get. Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] hello? Dad? Tim! Hey. How are you? I'm good, yeah. How's mom? She's fine. We're both fine. So you comin' home for the holidays? Well, things are pretty busy over here, dad. I see. I just... Yeah? Well, I was just calling to say I really miss you guys. Thanks, son. It sure is good to hear you. [ whirring noises ] what the -- oh for -- it's everywhere! Hello? Dad? Hello? Some calls can wait; some can't. I don't understand why we have to do this at all. Because it gets people up to possum lodge. And the best way to do that is through the television show, but if nobody's watching the television show then lalala! Well, we have people like me watching; we just don't have people like you watching. I've always been proud of that. Uncle red, I checked with the neilson people, and our ratings -- when you were arguing with dalton, our ratings were way up in that first segment. We're definitely on the right track here. Boy, I don't think so, harold. Okay... What? What? We are walkin'. Well, you could use the exercise. No, he means we're walkin' from the show. We don't like the tension, we don't like the animosity. It's too much like being at work. Too much like being at home. Well, I'm sorry, you're both under contract. You can leave. Yeah? Well, you know where you can stick your contract. Give me a call if you need some help getting it back out. C'mon, winston! Oh, uncle red, this is great television! Yeah? Well, you'll love this next part. I'm with them. [ laughter and applause ] red: Walter was driving out by port asbestos. He had a big load on the trailer and he just had the little k-car, not as reliant as the name sometimes. So it just started to overheat a little bit, so he pulled over, didn't really get too far off the road, and he decide -- I don't know why men feel they need to open the hood whenever they see something bad happening, but... A lot of smoke and steam there. And dalton was coming along up the road and then the smoke just come up the wrong way there and he kinda lost walter in the haze and the next -- just uh... So walter -- or I should say dalton was feeling a little guilty, so he thought he should just tow the whole shebang there. So he tied that up there and got walter in there, and then a little bit more powerful car, but he gave a couple of good revs and popped the clutch and what have you, but as luck would have it, he ended up doing the same thing to his engine... They both thought they'd open the hood and have a look at what was going on. They got even more smoke. Now I was coming along and of course similar -- had the wipers on, thinking that might help, but no... And that was unfortunate. So now, uh, my unit's a little newer, a little more power, I figure maybe I can pull both of them plus the trailer. Should be good. So I revved her up pretty good and everything, but I think I was underestimating the load, and then wouldn't you know it, as luck would have it, she, uh, started overheating, and then, uh... We all opened the hood to take a look inside there. And we're gettin' a lotta smoke here. And mike come along in a police cruiser he had borrowed temporarily, and, uh, well, you know the rest... That was unfortunate. Now we're thinking, you know, with the police cruiser, we may actually have a shot pullin' three -- now we've got three cars and a trailer. But they got the big 8, and they got the racing cam in them, and you think a cop car usually's got the power, but here again, you know, as luck would have it, he ended up... And we were like, no, mike! Gotta stop him, gotta stop him. Bad things happen when you open the -- here comes winston in the sewage truck. We're thinking, okay, okay, we got a better idea. This whole towing thing ain't working. Here's a better way to go, and so there goes mike and he's pulling up on me, and right behind me, we got dalton, and then of course we've got walter with the trailer. And we're all on our merry way. We learned a life lesson here. Doesn't matter how much pull you have, sometimes you need a push. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you know, one of the problems with living up in the northern region -- I mean, aside from the blackflies and the mosquitoes, and the lousy services, and the bone-numbing cold... Is the shortness of the season. Yeah, especially the spring. So every year, my wife bernice gets me to get her seeds started in these little trays, you know, with the light shining down over top. But I tell ya, by the time they're ready to be planted, so am I. So I figure if I put a car windshield on there that'll kind of magnify the light and give the seeds a turbo boost of ultra violet. You know, I'm just speeding up nature a bit. Sort of like what alcohol does at a wedding. Okay, but that's just the beginning. Sure, we can magnify the light, but, hey, let's start with a bigger light. Now, I'm not gonna say where I got that light, but if you're planning to land a plane at port asbestos airport, well, I suggest you arrive during the day. All right, let's give mother nature a kickstart, huh? [ laughter ] [ applause ] everybody welcome back to the most exciting, controversial segment of the harold green show! Ohhhh.... Uh... Thank you. Thank you! Welcome back to the finale of my reality-based show. We've had a lot of tension up at the lodge this week, and that's good, because tension is good. It's entertaining, and, uh, it's what people wanna see. There's nothing like the tension between the characters on a show, you know, the... [ laughter ] b-b-big week up at the lodge this week... Um, buster hadfield fell on a conveyor belt at the soft drink factory and got his skull capped -- harold. Yes? We can't let you do this. Me neither. The ratings don't matter, harold, you can't force people to change. We liked it the way it was before! Me too. You know, when you're in the sewage business, you learn that everybody has their bad side. I'm with you 100%, I really am. You know, harold, it doesn't make for much of an argument if you don't disagree. People might stop watching. Well, I don't care! I know I was wrong, and I admit that, okay?! I would even say it to uncle red, but I have no idea where he is. Apology accepted, harold. Oh, uncle red! It's uncle red! I missed you. I missed you so much! No, no, no... I started talking -- that's fine, fine. [ possum squealing ] it's meeting time. Yes, it is, harold. No! It's a real meeting, and real people! Yes, you should be real gone. Okay, so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and today we learned that reality is overrated. 'course, you knew that or you would'na married me. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] come on. Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, junior singleton's got a school bus to get rid of. She's all rusted out and doesn't run or anything. Got one half-decent tire, but the windows are out of it. But it's free to anybody who'd like to go over there and pick it up. There's a little reality check for you, harold.